Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Bobby Carroll's 6 Ace Dates in London

I've found love and my old London town has been our kissing alley. Here are some romantic appointments I've kept with my lady friend that have gotten her wet and me drained. Feel free to copy our rendezvous ideas, you saucy date hacks.

1. The Jack the Ripper tour from Tower Hill.

Whatever you think about the Whitechapel slasher's attitude towards women he sure loved the tourists, he did all his greatest work within a handy walking circuit. This is a good first or second date as you get to gauge your new found fancy's reaction not just to eviscerated wombs but also to spanish tour groups- if she doesn't go green at any point she's probably into the kinky shit and if she pulls you close during a particularly gory description of a severed intestine, chances are she's a keeper. To make it a night to remember try and avoid the official looking guides and get some bloke who'll basically act out all the speaking parts from Johnny Depp flop From Hell while the East End drizzles on you.

2. Lunch on Shepherd's Bush Green.

All the joys of the night bus but as an al fresco dining experience. Where else can you enjoy both a man walking while he pisses and a tramp spit shining his shoes with his yellow cigarette phlegm? My top tip: Sit on the mound by the kid's play park as only the most active of staffies bother to relieve themselves on this patch.

3. Speeddating in Ruby's Basement near the city.

Put a bit of spice back into your relationship by enduring these undatables. A combination of chubby girls with high standards, men who dress like playstation characters, student nurses out to cadge free drinks and city boys too dumb to be able to spell ' buy rohypnol' into search engines. When they ring the bell and everyone moves around it always reminds me of the scene in Schindler's List where they make the concentration camp strip and run around in a circle to segregate the unhealthy. What we like to do is pretend we don't know each other and when we finally get to share a table for three minutes, not say a word, lean over and snog each other passionately infront of everyone, when our time is up move on like nothing has happened. You can spend the next week bitching about the losers and having that great 'I'm glad I'm not alone' sex.

4. The fitting rooms of Intimissi, Westfeilds

This continental lingerie chain is a new entry. Like the comics in Forbidden Planet or the slags in Oceana, you can sample as much as you like and not have to pay. Couples are encouraged to go in together, I had no idea I looked so sexy in a thong. Warning: No hand sanitizer.

5. McDonalds above Liverpool St Station.

Some find this chain of eateries a bit soulless and busy but this one is a hidden gem. Last time we dined we got window seats and saw a homeless man pushing his treasures about; a stuffed gazelle and an expensive bike. You can't manufacture memories like that. Tip: Avoid the Big Mac. Although a speciality of the chef it looks like you are simultaneously regurgitating food while eating it.

6. My parents house in Hanwell.

A bit exclusive this so book ahead. But they bizarrely have 4 unopened boxes of the board game Twister. I have too much respect for them to ask.

No comments:

Post a comment